it’s the holiday season…

Boop de doo. Is that how the song goes? I’m so awful at lyrics.

Well, it’s that time of year again, friends. According to my facebook feed, it’s the season for santa visits, baking cookies, and making actual baby jesuses. For me, it’s a little different: santa bar crawls, eggnog candy cane moonshine shots, and all of the ugly sweaters I can throw on myself. Holidays as a single does not have to scream forever alone. Instead, watch home alone, and feel better about your life choices.

One thing I have noticed this holiday is that dudes from Christmas past have been coming out of the woodwork. We used to hook up in college, haven’t talked in years, oh now would be a great time to rekindle that dead flame? I get it, no one wants to be alone on christmas. However, that does not mean finding a random person, randomly talking to a person you no longer speak to, or being random and targeting the only other single person in your group of friends. Has this been happening to anyone else?

Standard table talk is another obstacle during this time. I should find my old talkboy and have the following on repeat: “Yes, I still live at home. Work is fine. No, I’m not seeing anyone. Yes, I do plan on moving out sometime soon. No, please don’t set me up. No, thank you. I mean, no.” It’s pretty much the same routine from Thanksgiving, which was a month ago.

Finally, you’ve got the dreaded holiday work parties to sit through. Now, I usually don’t mind them because I’m a big fan of dip. But, they’re still totally awkward. Again with the small talk. Again with explaining whatever current situation you got going on. And that fake laughter to see yourself out of a dull conversation. Just allow me to pull up a chair next to the appetizer table and let me be. I’ll eventually roll on out of here at some point.

Just think, a few days after this fiasco we have to plan for new years eve. Swell.


that day is coming up…

If you couldn’t tell by all of the jewelry commercials, discounted chocolate, and inordinate amount of pink around you, Valentine’s Day is this weekend. As a single person, I have nothing against the day other than I can’t get a good deal on a meal for one. Other singles fret about ‘single awareness day’ and jump on or tinder to fill the void. Me? I remember all of the people I know who are miserable in their relationship and then feel oddly satisfied.

My only valentine was a kid in the first grade who anonymously wrote ‘I love u’ on a card to me. I remember how red my face got, and then the panic set in about figuring out who this mystery casanova was. Short story shorter, I never found out. But, I thank that child for introducing me early to the peculiarities of boys.

And then when you get older, single older, you sometimes wonder if one vday you’ll get a surprise thing of chocolates or flowers at your office. I actually don’t like sweets and can’t keep flowers alive, so my vision is more surprise tacos and dos equis. I’m not sure where that misguided dream came from, but it’s one that I’ve had for many years even though I’ve had no guy lined up who could possibly do such a thing. I blame the movies. Guys, have you ever sent surprise flowers to a lady interest? Better question, have you ever thought of sending surprise flowers to a lady interest?

Whatever your plans, just remember that there is someone out there in the world having a lousier time than you. Kidding…kind of. Enjoy!

the expert gift giver.

I can’t be the only one who struggles with gift giving during the holidays, right? I never know what to get, how much to spend, or how to wrap (and I will not pay extra for the store to do it for me!). Ya know how there is always that one friend or family member who is the expert gift giver? The one who just happens to give the perfect gift, and brushes it off like it was no big deal? Who also wraps it perfectly and adds those fancy ribbons that you can never get off? That’s not me, that is the opposite of me. People open my gifts, and I give a half smile/shrug because I have no clue if they’ll like/want/need/hate the thing in front of them.

I also hate christmas shopping, mostly because I just wander around the store for hours until I stumble upon something worth giving. I also get easily distracted by anything fuzzy soft, like I have to touch it…rub it a little. I have wrapped myself in sherpa fabric at a Michael’s store before. I’m not really a planner or a list-maker, but I’m sure the expert gift giver is. And coupons, always coupons.

They do say it’s better to give than receive, well I say it’s better to give giftcards than to receive crap gifts. Here’s a card with money on it, go get what you really want. Hey, it saves us both time. Maybe put the card in a box inside of a box then wrap that if the person wants to ‘open’ something. Or get an old box from some fancy electronic device and put the card in there if you’ve got a jokester in the bunch. Then you can say ‘jokes on you son…of god, aka baby jesus aka CHRISTMAS!’

Ok, I’ll just be over here in the corner watching Home Alone for the 845th time. Byeeee.

it’s the most wonderful time of the year…

There’s this little thing in the month of December that I look forward to for eleven long months. A little thing that ignites the Christmas spirit in me, that evokes pure joy, and blissfully satisfies my every need. It is Santacon, and it’s the best day of the year.

I first heard of this gloriousness when I was in New York City five years ago. I remember walking the streets on a late Saturday morning, when I saw dozens and dozens of santa suits winding in and out of the crosswalk. What child is this? It was a santa bar crawl.

The following year, my own city adopted the event, and a Christmas miracle was born. Not only do people dress in santa suits, but they go all out in anything remotely related to the holiday. It’s all about having a theme. Creativity and debauchery at its finest.

Everyone is friendly and thoroughly enjoying themselves. You make friends with people simply because they wished you a merry christmas. You exchange free drinks with others simply because you’ve got a similar outfit on. Unity. Father Christmas would be proud.

If your city partakes in this jolly goodness, then I highly suggest checking it out. It’s my Christmas gift to you.

the spring break.


Every year thousands of college students head someplace warm for their proverbial “spring break”. They even made an awful movie about it called Spring Breakers that was all arrests, seizure-like camera movements, and threesomes. While I never went anywhere for break in college, I have watched it on tv, therefore am quite a knowledgeable source.

The spring break that I know consists of good looking people grinding with each other on a beach while holding solo cups and screaming at carson daily to play the thong song. Ok, so things may have changed since then, but the concept is still the same: crazy college kids doing crazy things. I would love to go to cancun during spring break now as a late 20 something. Can you imagine the looks on kids faces if us ‘old folk’ joined them in debauchery and beer pong?

Nope, our time for spring break has come and gone. Now, we spend it in an office, pale and sunless, waiting for 5 o’clock so we can head out to a happy hour somewhere and reminisce about the good ole college days. Live it up kids, you may only get to go on a spring break once, but if you do it right, and don’t end up in jail or expire yourself, once is enough.


the big kids table.


The holiday season is upon us. And with that comes the insufferable task of explaining your singleness/work-life/future with your relatives. Yes, you may have moved on to the big kids table, but you still have to sit through awkward conversations, even about yourself while you sit within earshot.

I can never eat my favorite holiday meal in peace because there’s a revolving door of aunts and uncles asking why I haven’t brought a boyfriend to dinner yet, or why I haven’t moved back home yet. When am I going to get a different job, or start a family? Hmm, why does my life have to be the topic of conversation?

But, that’s the holidays, isn’t it. A time where family comes together for meaningless chatter and boasting about who did what better. I’m sure the year I come, boyfriend in tow, will be the year that all the minds are blown. And, I can finish my cranberries in pure, delicious, silence.

Until then, I’ll just be thankful that I’ll have 27 days before I have to do it all over again.