what i’ve learned not to do in life…

Since I’m getting closer and closer to the thirty mark. I thought I’d reflect on things that I’ve learned, or rather learned not to do, over these past twenty-nine years. Relevancy is questionable, but I’ve got a lifetime of knowledge.

30. Don’t play with fire. I had a slight pyro obsession in my early years that resulted in some burned up wind pants. My parents found out. All candles were removed from my presence.

29. Don’t worry about cheating on tests in elementary school. They tell you not to do this, but sometimes you might just suck at math, history, and science and need a little help getting by. Was anyone hurt by this? I don’t think so.

28. Don’t get caught cheating on said tests. You may not be smart enough to pass, but you should be smart enough to be stealthy. This is how the FBI recruits now.

27. Don’t believe you are invincible. When you get hurt, you will bleed, and it will take days to heal. You don’t have magical powers. I blame movies for all of this. All of it.

26. Don’t purposely try to hurt yourself to test your powers. Same as above. This is not Heroes. Save yourself.

25. Don’t be mean to your parents all of the time. You’ll need them some day. Like when you’re almost 30 and need a place to live. Be thankful for your new roomies.

24. Don’t dumb yourself down to be funny. Nerd becomes cool again.

23. Don’t take high school so seriously. Yea, it may seem like a big deal at the time, but it’s really not.

22. Don’t inhale bubbles. You will choke. You will also have an awful taste in your mouth and want to cry.

21. Don’t trust anyone in AOL chat rooms. This may not be relevant now (is AOL even still a thing?) but the message is clear. Internet stranger danger. Have you seen Megan is Missing?

20. Don’t hold grudges forever. You may need to use that person someday to get ahead in life.

19. Don’t leave your drink behind. Yes, roofies are still a thing. Ugh.

18. Don’t watch nickelodeon all day. There are better things to do than watch the lineup of Eureka’s Castle, David the Gnome, and The Lil Bits. Seriously, get out more.

17. Don’t be afraid to try new things. You may end up hating most of them, but at least the attempt was there. Otherwise, things can get kinda boring.

16. Don’t think you have to have everything figured out by eighteen. That’s asking the impossible. You’ve got plenty of time to think things through.

15. Don’t think you can’t go back. Obviously, not in time, but there may be other ways to make changes that you wish you would have done before.

14. Don’t think you’re not going to do stupid things. Kids do stupid things because their brains aren’t fully developed. Science. You’ll look back on some things and think it was the stupidest thing you could have possibly done. And you will be correct.

13. Don’t grown up too fast. Live it up early, your nostalgia kicks in to high gear in your late twenties.

12. Don’t worry about mixing pop rocks and coke. Ignore awful looking platinum Joshua Jackson.

11. Don’t think you know everything. You know nothing, and older people will always tell you that, Jon Snow.

10. Don’t worry about giving younger people advice. Thanks to number 11, you can tell them whatever and they’ll think it’s sage wisdom because you’re older and thus have seen the world.

9. Don’t forget to see ‘the world’. Or at least make it out of your hometown for a while.

8. Don’t think you’ll ever forget song lyrics. There’s a special place in your brain that stores the lyrics to every song ever. Seriously, they’re all there. More science.

7. Don’t regret your mistakes for too long. They will lead you to where you’re supposed to be. But, if not, refer to number 15.

6. Don’t panic over Y2K. Someone most likely made it up to troll everyone. And it worked.

5. Don’t ignore your gut. It tells the truth. Also feed it well. It likes cheetos. That one might just be me.

4. Don’t get tattoos in places that will sag later on in life. Your hipster anchor tattoo may become a sinking blob later on in life. Spoiler: it sinks, that is what an anchor does. The very definition. Disclaimer: I do not have said tattoo.

3. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen. Yes, this one is an actual quote. No, that’s not why I’m writing it. Skin cancer looks scary.

2. Don’t worry too much about what people think. People will love you, people will hate you, people may not even think about you.

1. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. This one, my friends, take some time because of number 2. But, once you get to this place, you’ll feel much better.

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